Supporting article (P3-S11-A81 · 1 of 2) | Clarifying Your Values After Narcissistic Abuse
1. When You Are Not Sure What You Care About
Clarifying values after narcissistic abuse means working out what you genuinely care about, as distinct from the rules and priorities you learned to follow to keep the peace. If you find it hard to say what matters to you, or you notice that your “shoulds” still sound like someone else’s voice, that is an understandable place to be.
This article is one part of a wider look at how a clearer sense of self returns after abuse. Its focus is narrower: how values work and how to clarify and act on your own.
If you are unsure what you value, you are not empty or shallow. You spent a long time attending to someone else’s priorities because that felt necessary. Your own values have been waiting underneath, and you can find them again.
2. What Values Are
Values are the qualities you want your actions to reflect, such as honesty, kindness, curiosity, fairness, or courage. Unlike goals, they are never finished: you can complete a goal, such as calling a friend, but you keep living a value, such as being a caring friend, through many choices over time.
This article focuses specifically on clarifying and acting on your values now. How an abusive partner can overwrite your values, how values may shift through post-traumatic growth, and the larger question of life purpose are separate topics covered elsewhere.
3. What Confused Values Feel Like
Confused values often show up as guilt that does not quite fit. You might feel wrong for resting, for saying no, or for spending money on yourself, even when nothing about those choices conflicts with what you believe. You may also notice that some choices feel hollow, as if you are doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.
A friend invites you out, and before you answer, you picture how your former partner would have reacted. You decline, then wonder whether you even wanted to go. The decision was made by an old rule, and you are only now noticing it.
4. Why Clarifying Values Can Help
Self-determination theory offers a useful way to separate absorbed rules from personally endorsed values. It distinguishes between acting out of internal pressure, such as guilt or a need for approval, and acting because you personally value what you are doing (Ryan & Deci, 2000). The theory describes a range between these, in which rules can gradually become more fully your own (Ryan & Deci, 2000).
Research on goals suggests why the difference matters. In three longitudinal studies, people pursuing goals consistent with their own interests and core values put in more sustained effort, were more likely to reach those goals, and gained more well-being when they did (Sheldon & Elliot, 1999).
Values work is also a specific component of acceptance and commitment therapy. A meta-analysis of 66 laboratory studies that tested separate parts of that approach found positive effects for values components compared with inactive conditions (Levin et al., 2012). In one experiment, adding a personal values exercise to an acceptance exercise increased how long people tolerated a pain task compared with acceptance alone (Branstetter-Rost et al., 2009). These were short laboratory studies rather than clinical treatment, and the studies found for this article did not involve survivors of partner abuse.
A useful question is not “Is this value good?” but “Whose voice is this?” A priority that comes with dread, fear of disapproval, or someone else’s words is worth examining. A priority that feels steady even when nobody is watching may well be yours.
5. Signs a Priority May Not Be Yours
These patterns can suggest a “should” is borrowed rather than chosen:
- It comes with anxiety about how someone would react
- You can hear a specific person’s words when you think of it
- Breaking it leaves you feeling guilty but not actually wrong
- You cannot say why it matters to you, only that it must be done
- It changes depending on who is present
Noticing these is not a judgment. Some borrowed rules may turn out to fit you after all.
6. How Unclear Values Affect Daily Life
When your values are unclear, decisions can feel like guessing. You may say yes to things that drain you, or avoid things that would matter to you, until life feels as if it belongs to someone else.
7. How to Clarify and Act on Your Values
It can help to treat values clarification as a slow, practical process rather than a single exercise. Three examples of what that can look like:
- Write down a rule you still follow, such as “I must always be available,” and ask what value, if any, sits underneath it, such as caring for people you love.
- Choose one area of life, such as friendship or work, and name one quality you want your actions there to reflect.
- Pick one small action this week that matches that value, such as replying to a message honestly rather than to please.
Then notice how the action feels. Values may become clearer through doing, not only through thinking. If activities themselves feel empty or borrowed, the article on how new activities can help rebuild your sense of self explores that side of the process.
Think of a time you felt quietly proud of how you acted, even if nobody noticed. What quality were you showing? That quality is a good place to start.
A therapist trained in acceptance-based or values-focused approaches can help if this work stirs up strong guilt or fear. If it ever brings thoughts of harming yourself, you can call or text 988 at any hour.
8. Where This Fits Into the Bigger Picture
Knowing what you value is one input into a clearer sense of who you are. The Core Reference on self-concept clarity after abuse shows how values, activities, and continuity with your past fit together. For the wider view across this entire topic, rebuilding identity and self-worth after narcissistic abuse covers the full picture beyond just this silo.
9. Values You Can Call Your Own
You may not know all your values yet, and you do not need to. Each time you notice a borrowed rule and choose an action that fits what you care about, your values become a little clearer and a little more yours.
Values are one part of rebuilding a clear sense of self. The Core Reference for this silo explains how they connect to the rest.
10. Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know which values are really mine?
A useful test is to ask whether a priority still feels right when nobody is watching and nobody could be disappointed. Values that are yours may feel steadier than anxious rules do. Priorities that come with fear of disapproval, or someone else’s words, may be rules you absorbed rather than values you hold.
What is the difference between values and goals?
Goals can be completed, such as finishing a course. Values describe how you want to act along the way, such as being curious or honest, and are never finished. Many people find it helpful to choose goals that express their values rather than goals set to please others.
What if my values seem to have changed since the relationship?
That is common and not a problem to fix. Some earlier values may still fit, and some may not. The aim is to notice what matters to you now and act on it, not to return to an earlier self.
References
- Branstetter-Rost A, Cushing C, Douleh T (2009). Personal values and pain tolerance: Does a values intervention add to acceptance? Journal of Pain, 10(8), 887-892.
- Levin ME, Hildebrandt MJ, Lillis J, Hayes SC (2012). The impact of treatment components suggested by the psychological flexibility model: A meta-analysis of laboratory-based component studies. Behavior Therapy, 43(4), 741-756.
- Ryan RM, Deci EL (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
- Sheldon KM, Elliot AJ (1999). Goal striving, need satisfaction, and longitudinal well-being: The self-concordance model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(3), 482-497.
Support & Safety Resources
- If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
- If you are still in danger from a current or former partner, the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential support at 1-800-799-7233.
This article was drafted with AI assistance and reviewed and approved by The Psychanatomy Editorial Team before publication.
