If you’re asking why do I feel pulled back to someone who hurt me, you’re not alone…
If you’ve left an abusive relationship but still find yourself craving the abuser, you’re not experiencing weakness—you’re experiencing a normal psychological response to trauma bonding. That pull you feel isn’t proof that you’re confused about what happened or that the abuse wasn’t real. It is evidence of how deeply intermittent reinforcement and survival adaptations can wire themselves into your nervous system over time. Patterns like these are well documented within the broader framework of psychological damage after abuse, where prolonged threat, relief, and attachment conditioning reshape emotional and physiological responses.
You don’t need to feel ashamed. You need to understand what is happening in your brain and body so you can move forward with clarity, safety, and compassion for yourself.
What Trauma Bonding Actually Is
Trauma bonding is a psychological attachment that forms between an abuser and the person they harm, created through cycles of abuse followed by intermittent kindness, affection, or relief. This bond develops when someone alternates between causing harm and providing comfort, creating a powerful neurological pattern that can feel identical to love or deep emotional connection.
The term was first described by psychologist Donald Dutton and painter Susan Painter in 1981, and it explains why leaving an abusive relationship often does not immediately eliminate the emotional attachment to the abuser, even when the danger is fully understood.
What It Feels Like When You Are Craving the Abuser
Craving the abuser often feels deeply confusing and intensely shame-inducing. You might experience:
A physical ache in your chest when you think about them, even when you remember the harm they caused.
Intrusive thoughts about the good moments, replaying conversations or touch.
A strong pull to check their social media or drive past places you used to go together.
An overwhelming urge to reach out, especially during moments of loneliness, stress, or emotional exhaustion.
You may feel split in two—one part of you knows intellectually that the relationship was harmful, while another part yearns for reconciliation or feels incomplete without them. This internal conflict is not denial. It is the result of neurological conditioning that occurs during repeated cycles of harm and relief.
Why This Happens: The Psychology Behind Craving the Abuser
Intermittent Reinforcement Creates Powerful Bonds
Abusive relationships typically follow a recognizable pattern: tension building, an abusive incident, reconciliation (often called the “honeymoon phase”), and a period of calm before the cycle repeats. This unpredictability creates what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement—one of the most powerful conditioning mechanisms known to behavioral science.
When rewards such as affection, apologies, or kindness arrive unpredictably after punishment or emotional withdrawal, the brain becomes hyper-alert to signs of relief. This is the same mechanism that makes gambling addictive. The uncertainty produces a dopamine response that can be stronger than consistent positive treatment. Many survivors later recognize this dynamic when learning about Withdrawal Symptoms After Narcissistic Abuse, which often mirror substance-like dependency patterns.
Trauma Activates Attachment Systems
When someone causes you harm and then provides relief from that harm, the brain can misidentify them as a source of safety. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s research on trauma demonstrates that frightening experiences activate attachment systems—the same neural pathways that bond infants to caregivers. In abusive relationships, the person causing the fear becomes neurologically confused with the person providing safety, because they are the same individual.
Cognitive Dissonance Demands Resolution
The brain struggles to hold two conflicting truths: “This person harmed me” and “I feel attached to this person.” To reduce this psychological discomfort, you may find yourself minimizing the abuse, romanticizing positive moments, or blaming yourself. Craving the abuser often intensifies as the mind searches for a way to make the contradiction feel coherent.
Oxytocin and Cortisol Create Chemical Dependency
Physical intimacy, eye contact, and moments of reconciliation release oxytocin—the bonding hormone. When this occurs alongside elevated cortisol from chronic stress or fear, the combination can create a neurochemical pattern that closely resembles addiction. The body begins to associate the abuser with both stress relief and bonding, creating a physiological pull that exists independently of rational understanding. This explains why many survivors seek guidance on Why Abuse Feels Addictive rather than relying on insight alone (check Why Abuse Feels Addictive — And Why Leaving Is So Hard).
Signs You May Be Experiencing Trauma Bond Cravings
These patterns are common when craving the abuser is rooted in trauma bonding rather than genuine compatibility or healthy attachment:
You justify or minimize the abuse when talking to others or yourself. You find yourself defending their behavior or explaining why it wasn’t “that bad,” even when you objectively know it was harmful.
The craving intensifies when you are stressed, lonely, or emotionally triggered. The pull feels strongest during vulnerability, not during periods of stability.
You focus disproportionately on the good moments. Your mind replays reconciliation phases, apologies, or moments of apparent care, while the harm feels distant or less vivid.
You feel responsible for fixing them or the relationship. There is a persistent belief that if you tried harder, communicated better, or were more understanding, things would improve.
You experience physical withdrawal symptoms. Nausea, insomnia, chest tightness, and difficulty concentrating can emerge when distance is maintained.
You compare new relationships unfavorably. Healthy relationships may feel dull or flat because the nervous system has been conditioned to equate intensity with connection.
You cycle between clarity and confusion. Periods of clear recognition of harm are followed by moments of doubt, self-questioning, or reinterpretation.
Effects on Mental Health and Recovery
Craving the abuser while attempting to heal places significant strain on psychological recovery. Many survivors experience:
Prolonged grief responses that feel disproportionate to the positive qualities of the relationship. The grief is often for lost hope, imagined futures, or the relief experienced during calm periods.
Self-doubt and damaged self-trust. When emotions pull you toward someone your mind knows was harmful, trusting your own perceptions becomes difficult.
Delayed trauma processing. Continued attachment can prevent the nervous system from fully registering the relationship as over, sustaining hypervigilance or hope.
Increased vulnerability to re-engagement. Cravings may lead to breaking no-contact, returning to the relationship, or accepting breadcrumbing behavior that restarts the trauma cycle.
Shame spirals. Feeling pulled toward someone who caused harm often triggers harsh self-criticism, worsening anxiety and depression.
What Actually Helps: Evidence-Aligned Strategies
Recognize This as Neurological, Not Character-Based
The most important step is understanding that craving the abuser is a conditioned neurological response, not a reflection of your values, intelligence, or strength. Dr. Patrick Carnes’ research on betrayal bonds demonstrates that these attachments form through identifiable psychological mechanisms rather than personal failure.
Maintain Strict No-Contact When Safe to Do So
Each contact—even indirect exposure through social media—can reactivate conditioned neural pathways. Much like substance recovery, exposure reignites patterns the nervous system is trying to quiet. When contact is unavoidable due to children or legal matters, structure and minimal engagement are essential.
Work with Trauma-Informed Support
Standard relationship counseling often does not address the neurobiological components of trauma bonding. Therapists trained in trauma-focused CBT, EMDR, or somatic experiencing are better equipped to address the body-based and subconscious elements involved.
Document the Reality
Keeping a written or recorded account of specific harmful incidents provides grounding during moments of romanticization. Emotional memory pulls toward relief; explicit memory restores accuracy.
Expect and Plan for Craving Cycles
Cravings often intensify at predictable times such as anniversaries, holidays, late nights, or periods of stress. Preparing structured responses in advance reduces reliance on willpower alone.
Address the Underlying Needs Separately
Often the craving is not for the abuser themselves, but for what they intermittently provided—validation, touch, security, or relief from loneliness. Identifying and meeting these needs elsewhere weakens the bond.
Give Your Nervous System Time to Recalibrate
Neuroplastic change requires repetition and time. Research suggests noticeable improvement around three to six months of consistent no-contact, with continued progress over one to two years. The pull does diminish, but patience is required.
Supportive Resources and Tools
As you navigate recovery, structured resources can provide stability when emotions feel overwhelming:
- Daily grounding practices such as the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory technique help interrupt rumination and restore present-moment safety.
- Journaling prompts focused on reality-testing support clarity during romanticization.
- Guided trauma-focused meditations reduce nervous system arousal.
- Peer support communities normalize the experience and reduce isolation.
- Books such as The Body Keeps the Score and Psychopath Free provide conceptual frameworks.
- Behavior-tracking apps can help document urges and reinforce progress.
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
Craving the abuser does not mean the abuse was unreal or that leaving was a mistake. It reflects how profoundly trauma and intermittent reinforcement shape attachment systems.
Healing is not linear. Periods of clarity may alternate with moments of intense craving. Both are part of neurological rewiring, not personal failure.
For structured education and nervous-system-based support, exploring trauma recovery after narcissistic abuse can provide guidance as safety and self-trust are rebuilt.
You deserve relationships where safety is consistent and affection is not contingent on endurance. Seeking understanding rather than acting on the pull demonstrates insight, strength, and resilience.
References
American Psychological Association. (2020). Trauma. https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma
Carnes, P. (2019). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications, Inc.
Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1981). Traumatic bonding: The development of emotional attachments in battered women and other relationships of intermittent abuse. Victimology: An International Journal, 6(1-4), 139-155.
Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2021). What is trauma bonding? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/trauma-bonds/
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). SAMHSA’s Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a Trauma-Informed Approach. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 14-4884.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.
World Health Organization. (2013). Global and Regional Estimates of Violence Against Women: Prevalence and Health Effects of Intimate Partner Violence and Non-Partner Sexual Violence. WHO Press.
