You keep replaying the conversation in your mind. You were certain about what happened—what was said, what you saw, how you felt. But now, after talking to them, you’re not so sure anymore. Maybe you did overreact. Maybe you are being too sensitive. Maybe your memory really is that unreliable.
If you are asking yourself, “Am I being gaslit?” after interactions with someone close to you, you’re not imagining things. What you’re experiencing may be gaslighting—a form of psychological manipulation that can leave you feeling confused, anxious, and unable to trust your own judgment. Gaslighting is one of the most destabilizing forms of psychological damage after abuse because it slowly erodes confidence in your own mind.
What Gaslighting Actually Means
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which someone causes another person to question their own memory, perception, or sanity. The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband systematically manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her mind.
In clinical terms, gaslighting involves deliberate distortion of reality through denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying. The manipulator’s goal is to destabilize the victim’s sense of reality, making them more dependent and easier to control. While gaslighting can occur in any relationship, it is particularly common in intimate partnerships, family systems, and workplace dynamics where power imbalances exist.
What Gaslighting Feels Like From the Inside
People who are being gaslit often describe a distinct feeling of mental fog or confusion that was not present before. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing decisions you once made confidently. Simple choices—what to wear, what to say, whether your feelings are justified—suddenly feel overwhelming.
Many people report feeling like they are “going crazy” or losing touch with reality. You may apologize constantly, even when you are unsure what you are apologizing for. There is often a pervasive sense of walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering the other person’s anger or disappointment.
The confusion is particularly destabilizing because it comes from someone you trust. When a partner, parent, boss, or close friend tells you that your version of events is wrong, your brain naturally tries to reconcile the disconnect. Over time, you may begin to rely on the gaslighter to tell you what is real, effectively outsourcing your sense of reality to the very person manipulating it.
Why Gaslighting Works: The Psychology Behind the Manipulation
Gaslighting works because it exploits fundamental aspects of how humans process information and maintain relationships. We are neurologically wired to trust people we are close to, especially when they speak with confidence and authority. When someone repeatedly contradicts our perceptions, the brain experiences cognitive dissonance—the distress of holding two conflicting beliefs at once.
To resolve this discomfort, many people unconsciously choose to doubt themselves rather than doubt the relationship. This tendency is especially strong when the gaslighter is someone we depend on emotionally, financially, or socially. Over time, this chronic self-doubt can fuel anxiety and looping mental patterns, including the intrusive thinking explored in Intrusive Thoughts After Trauma: Why They Happen and How to Handle Them.
Research in social psychology shows that repeated exposure to contradictory information can alter memory formation and recall. When someone consistently tells you that your memory is wrong, your brain may begin encoding experiences differently, creating genuine uncertainty about what happened.
Gaslighters often display personality traits associated with narcissism, antisocial personality patterns, or deep insecurities that drive controlling behavior. In most cases, the manipulation is not about you—it reflects their need for control, avoidance of accountability, or protection of their self-image.
Common Signs and Patterns of Gaslighting
Gaslighting tends to follow recognizable patterns. The manipulator’s tactics may include:
- Denial and contradiction: They flatly deny saying or doing things you clearly remember, even when evidence exists. “I never said that.” “That didn’t happen.” “You’re remembering it wrong.”
- Trivialization of your feelings: Your emotional responses are dismissed as overreactions. “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re being dramatic.” “You can’t take a joke.”
- Countering your memory: They insist their version of events is correct while undermining yours. “That’s not how it happened.” “You always get the details wrong.”
- Diversion and deflection: When concerns are raised, they shift blame or redirect the conversation. “Why are you always attacking me?” “What about the time you did X?”
- Withholding and refusal to listen: They disengage entirely from your perspective. “I’m not discussing this.” “You’re not making sense.”
- Weaponizing compassion: They frame your doubts as moral failings. “If you really loved me, you’d trust me.” “I can’t believe you’d think that about me.”
- Enlisting others: They recruit friends, family members, or colleagues to support their narrative, leaving you isolated and outnumbered.
The Cumulative Effects on Your Mental Health and Daily Life
The psychological impact of gaslighting extends far beyond individual incidents. Over time, chronic gaslighting can result in serious mental health consequences.
- Many people develop symptoms consistent with anxiety disorders, including persistent worry, hypervigilance, and physical symptoms such as tension headaches or digestive issues. Depression is also common, often rooted in learned helplessness that develops when you feel unable to trust your own judgment.
- Self-esteem gradually erodes. Decision-making becomes paralyzed by doubt. The internal critic that forms after prolonged manipulation can be relentless, reinforcing self-blame and internalized hostility similar to what is addressed in How to Stop Negative Self-Talk After Abuse and Reclaim Your Confidence.
- Some individuals experience symptoms resembling complex trauma or PTSD, including emotional numbing, difficulty concentrating, and a persistent sense of unreality. The ongoing confusion and self-doubt are cognitively exhausting, draining energy from work, relationships, and self-care.
- Your relationship with reality itself may become unstable. You might begin documenting everything—saving messages, recording conversations, or keeping detailed notes—simply to confirm that your perceptions are valid.
What Actually Helps: Evidence-Based Steps to Reclaim Your Reality
If you recognize these patterns, there are concrete, evidence-based steps that can support your mental health and help you reclaim your sense of reality.
- Trust your emotional responses. Feelings are legitimate data, even when they are dismissed. If interactions consistently leave you confused, anxious, or diminished, that information matters.
- Document your experiences. Maintaining a private journal of incidents, dates, and emotional responses provides an external reference point when your memory is challenged.
- Seek external perspectives. Trusted friends, family members, or trauma-informed therapists can offer reality checks and help identify patterns that are difficult to see from inside the relationship.
- Establish boundaries. You are allowed to disengage from manipulative conversations. Statements such as “I’m not discussing this right now” or “We remember this differently” can help you exit harmful exchanges.
- Reconnect with yourself. Grounding activities—journaling, meditation, creative expression, or time with supportive people—can help rebuild trust in your perceptions.
- Consider professional support. A therapist trained in trauma or relational abuse can assist with processing experiences, building coping strategies, and assessing anxiety, depression, or trauma symptoms.
- Evaluate the relationship. Reflect on whether the relationship meets your needs or primarily serves the other person’s need for control. Not all relationships can or should be preserved when abuse is present.
Tools and Resources That Can Support Your Recovery
Rebuilding reality after gaslighting takes time and often benefits from structured support.
- Therapeutic approaches: CBT can help identify distorted thought patterns created by gaslighting, while trauma-focused therapies like EMDR may address trauma symptoms.
- Support communities: Survivor support groups provide validation and practical strategies from those with shared experiences.
- Educational resources: Books, podcasts, and articles on psychological manipulation can normalize your experience and reduce self-blame.
- Safety planning tools: When gaslighting is part of broader abuse, domestic violence resources can assist with safety planning, even without physical violence.
- Journaling frameworks: Structured prompts designed for manipulation recovery help externalize experiences.
- Self-assessment tools: Validated relationship and emotional abuse questionnaires can offer objective insight.
You’re Not Losing Your Mind—You’re Being Manipulated
Recognizing gaslighting is often the first step toward reclaiming your reality. What you are experiencing is not imagined and not your fault. Gaslighting is intentional manipulation, and confusion is the intended outcome—not a personal failure.
Trust in your perceptions can be rebuilt. Your memory, emotions, and judgment remain valid, even when someone insists otherwise. Many survivors report that simply naming gaslighting brings immediate relief.
You deserve relationships where your reality is respected and your perceptions are honored. Whether you choose to confront the behavior, strengthen boundaries, or leave the relationship, healing is possible. Additional trauma recovery resources can support you as you rebuild safety, clarity, and self-trust.
If you are unsure whether what you are experiencing constitutes gaslighting, that uncertainty itself may be meaningful. A mental health professional can provide an objective perspective and support you through whatever decisions come next.
References
American Psychological Association. (2017). APA dictionary of psychology: Gaslighting. https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting
Stark, C. A., & Chopik, W. J. (2023). Gaslighting in intimate relationships: Associations with relationship satisfaction and psychological well-being. Personal Relationships, 30(3), 861-875.
Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (2022). What is gaslighting? https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/
Portnow, K. E. (2021). Dialogues on gaslighting, reality testing, and epistemic competence. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 69(2), 343-375.
Sarkis, S. (2018). Gaslighting: Recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people—and break free. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
Spear, A. D. (2020). Epistemic dimensions of gaslighting: Peer-disagreement, self-trust, and epistemic injustice. Inquiry: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Philosophy, 1-24.
Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights on gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28(1), 1-30.
Johnson, V. E., Nadal, K. L., Sissoko, D. G., & King, R. (2021). “It’s not in your head”: Gaslighting, ‘splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 16(5), 1024-1036.
World Health Organization. (2021). Violence against women prevalence estimates, 2018: Global, regional and national prevalence estimates for intimate partner violence against women and global and regional prevalence estimates for non-partner sexual violence against women. https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240022256
